In the beginning... in the very very early days of my life, I spent alot of time listening and believing the things my family told me. About everything, everyone, and especially each other. I still do.
No worries necessary, because in my life everything explained its self, and there was no need to doubt. Every year or so things would change, people would move in and out of my circle of existence, no need to question why, when, where. I don't question because I don't care, because I have no need to care, and therefore nothing requires care.
I don't care about problems because problems are a constant variable, so are solutions, and so is life.
As I have aged I've found that people around me have a need to question and have a purpose. They question the life without purpose, and question the thought of stagnation and constant variables.
Being the type of person I am, I accepted the questions as a constant variable. I accepted this so much that I began to question the need to question. I eventually asked myself THE question.
Query: Why do I not feel a need to have purpose?
I believe I have asked myself this question my entire life.
It is the most paradoxical loop that has caught my brain for nearly 25 years. It is a question which leads to all questions, which requires so much purpose to answer, that I have accepted it as a constant variable, which may very well be the answer to the question in the first place!
Yet I do not know... and that is a constant variable.
It will remain a constant for my entire life, and that is constant. The only unknown value is that I cannot know the answer until my life is over (which is another paradox for me personally, as Christians do not believe in death... an ironic force of injustice that has forced me to ask the question in the first place. Omnipotent beings are simultaneously hilarious bastards, and I love His bitch ass.).
I began to write this article because I was thinking about my family today.
My family as a whole is an equal embodiment of love and hate. Ironic love and hate. More questions...
My mother and father are the same person. They are collectively one, yet are polar opposites, and while they are separate, they are the same person. They are so similarly difficult to interact with that they initially (my, theory as I am too shy to ask either of them) lead them into each-other's arms. As they embraced they began to learn about each other, and themselves. How unfortunate, but productive.
They are so similar that they realized why they found each other to begin with.
They are such difficult people, that nobody can live or work with them. They are so difficult that they cannot even live or work with themselves. Its a f***ing wonder, truly.
They are the epitome both their families, and that ultimate equality became manifest.
(My name is Ivan, pleased to make your acquaintance)
And thus began THE (my) 25 year expounding question (EXPONENTIALLY EXPOUNDING), which continues to be asked as you read this.
So I begin.
And as I begin, I learn. As I learn the question encompasses everything I discover. As I discover more and more pieces to the story, more articles on this blog, more tools to the metaphysical toolbox (I said metaphysical again [I know you were waiting for it...]).
I think this is a constant with troubled minds, how they receive more pieces to the puzzle, and each piece brings more question, which answer and they begin to question the original answers.
I don't think im troubled, I think I am constant, and I have no worry, which forces me to ask THE question, and the question is constant. Does that make me constantly troubled? Or constantly worry free? Maybe the worry-free is the trouble-maker, but why do I need to question my free feeling? This is all very troubling, but I am ok with it.
I have listened to my entire family, how they feel about each other and why they feel that is ok.
I have listened and learned from every one of them. Both sides of the whole. And each side has its own sides, and those sides feel about each other as the collective sides feel similarly toward themselves and each other.
My mother is a lawyer, my father is a teacher. My grandfather is a priest, and my grandmother is a homemaker. My uncle is an accountant, and my aunt is a psychotherapist.
They all feel differently about each other, and I have listened to their feelings (and still do). My mother judges my father, who lectures my grandmother, who cleans up my grandfather's mess, while he preaches to my aunt, while she insists on helping my uncle as he decides the correct decisions that my mother and father refuse to make.
^This was all an allegorical metaphor based on my real life situation, but I think its very representative of the lack of trust the individuals of my life have in each-other.
It is a very passively negative setup, I hope you are aware.
But this loop remains constant, and even positive from another angle.
And I somehow connect the two sides to form the constant loop I am dealing with.
IT makes it very hard to understand what I should be doing in my life (the real reason I am writing this one...)
I am surrounded with all these skilled individuals, and have learned everything from them, and listened to all their stories about each other and themselves.
And yet they cannot live with each other or work together.
My mother is a lawyer, my father is a teacher, my grandfather is a priest, grandmother is a home maker, my aunt is a psychotherapist, and my uncle is an accountant.
All these skills, and they spend their time casting judgement on each other, and deciding why the others picked the wrong paths in life.
Yet somehow through all this negativity, they managed to teach me their skills.
Through my mother I learned rational thought, my father taught me understanding, my grandfather taught me how to listen, my grandmother taught me self reliance, my uncle taught me how to make good decisions, and my aunt taught me how to help people in need.
SOMEHOW THEIR LACK OF TRUST BECAME A LESSON IN ITS SELF!
HOW!?!?!:!
IDK.
But it manifested, and here I am.
HOWEVER I have been given all of these skills, and have spent nearly 25 years listening to why my people were wrong to acquire them.
And with all of these skills, I harbor a guilt toward specializing any of them.
I cannot specialize and pick any of them, because I have nearly 25 years experience learning why someone else was faulted to being any of them.
This forces me to answer THE question without favoring one of these skills over the other.
Have you ever tried to hammer, screw, weld, saw, glue, measure, balance, sand, and paint a piece of wood at the same time?? Damn near impossible.
SO here I am trying to build the entire dang house in a single instance. This omnipotent bitch ass bastard here is laughing his ass off at me, and the sad part is I see the humor and value it.
So im nearly 2 years out of university now, am on my second full time job (holy shit I actually did something), but I can't specialize in any of the skills that got me here. Literally running before I walk. (fun fact, I never learned how to crawl as a baby, just stood up one day and started walking.)
So now I have to repeat it again, by teaching myself a NEW skill, that hasn't been done before. So every time I learn something new, I am basically asking myself "Yea... but did Diddy do it?"
I am so done with these questions.
I just want to play some video games, that's all I ever asked for. This is the only question I have ever wanted to care about.
(Here I go with the questions again... why do I even care.)
